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November 19, 2022BEREAVEMENT… DEALING WITH GRIEF
Transition causes change in one’s life. Transition in a person’s development is considered a movement, a passage from one position, state, or stage to another; a change (Random House Dictionary, 2009).
One of the most difficult challenges and realities of life is that change seems to be the only constant (“Nothing endures but change,” (Heraclitus of Ephesus around 475 BC). There are many types of life transitions that occur in different phases of our lives such as becoming an adolescent, getting married, going to college, getting a job, losing a job, having a baby, losing a loved one, being involved in an accident, getting a divorce, becoming ill, being a victim of a crime, having to depend on others, and experiencing a moment of grace . . . Transition introduces change which leads to a variety of thoughts and feelings that are experienced as positive or not so positive. Change can induce such internal reactions as joy, relief, sadness, anger, anxiety, or confusion. These thoughts and feelings are normal in facing our humanity. Many times, change brings up feelings of loss, even if the change involves a positive movement such as an exciting new experience of a new career. Any transition or change can be accompanied by fear or anxiety when one is faced with the challenges of the unknown.
Sometimes when life events cause feelings of loss such as in the loss of a loved one, stages of grief can be experienced. In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described five stages of grief in her landmark book, On Death and Dying. These stages were seen in dealing with the loss of something cherished in our lives -- not only in losing a loved one but was foundational in understanding the bereavement process. Below are Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief and a few responses by some experiencing them.
Denial: “I feel fine.” “This can’t be happening, not to me.” A feeling of shock can also be present. Pain and guilt are also feelings that can surface. Know that denial is a normal reaction to loss. Our body, mind, and soul needs to heal and at times, denial helps one to ready the self for future coping.
Anger: “Why me? Why him/her? It’s not fair!,” “How can this be happening?, " “ _______” is to blame,” “Lord, why did you do this to me and my family.” Once a person can see that the loss is a reality, denial disappears. In its place, sometimes anger appears. This intense reaction to the loss comes from our frustration that we cannot control what is happening in our life
Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my children graduate,” “I will do anything to make things better,” “If I only would have addressed this sooner, it may have never happened, let me start again.” In wrestling with uncomfortable feelings and a feeling out of control, one may struggle to find meaning for what happened and we want it to change and to gain more control. This stage may also involve reaching out to others to tell your story about what happened and how it makes you feel.
Depression: “I just feel so sad,” “I want to stay in and ignore the world,” “I regret what I did . . . . (or did not do . . .), “It hurts so bad. It is not uncommon for a deep sadness to overcome you which seems to last a long time. When a reality of the loss is experienced, sadness, regret, and worry can lead to depression as you search for a way to feel better. Some have feelings that go up and down like on a roller coaster. Return of some of the past feelings can make us feel even worse even though for shorter periods of time. One may also want to return to that environment that feels more comfortable at times, to be alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others to share your grief and your pain as it is important to acknowledge these feelings.
Acceptance: “I know this will not change, and need to decide what to do,” “I am beginning to see the beautiful aspects in celebrating my loved one’s life,” “I understand that I can’t change this reality.” It is important to note, that in acceptance it does not mean that a person welcomes the loss or that it is bringing a state of happiness. It does not mean that a person is accepting that the loss is okay.
It does mean that the individual accepts that the loss is something that cannot be changed and that it is a reality of life. Replacing denial, anger, anxiety, and depression, an individual starts to experience a sense of Peace that can begin to be experienced more readily.
Kubler-Ross describes grief as a pattern of adjustment to loss. It includes a period of time where a person learns to cope and adjust to the change that has impacted his/her life. The grief comes from the reality of the change that has occurred or is impending. This model has been widely used by those also suffering from the grief of a death of a loved one, such as a spouse, sibling, child, or friend.
Further research on its presence indicated that the Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief do not necessarily occur in a specific or exact order. Some people do not experience all the aspects of the stages nor experience them in the same way. For instance, depending on the type of loss or how it occurred, one can go through them in any order and perhaps even return to one of them before progressing again through the process.
In more recent times, Elizabeth Kubler Ross was joined by a colleague, David Kessler, to expand on the process of grief called On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss.” In the next part of the series on Bereavement, more will be addressed about how to cope with loss throughout the grief process. Especially, we will examine our faith tradition and how the Lord, the Saints, our loved ones who have gone before us and our parish communities can help us in our grieving process. In the meanwhile, be good to and gentle with yourself during these times of change and loss. When Heraclitus of Ephesus in 475 BC responded from human philosophy in trying to understand life that “Nothing endures but change,” we know that that change is a constant aspect of our human life condition, but Our God is the only constant in All. Know and be confident of the loving embrace of Our Lord during these trying times and know especially that He is with you always.
Blessings, His Graces, and His Peace,
Fr. John
